How to Do Shadow Work (and Finally Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Life)
Disclaimer: Affiliate links may be used. If you purchase a product via my link I receive a small commission at no additional cost to you. I only recommend products I love and use. You can read my full disclosure here.
Before you start vision-boarding your dream house and manifesting spontaneous trips to Santorini, let’s talk about a little thing called shadow work.
If you’re thinking, “Ugh, I’d rather skip to the part where I’m wildly rich and joyful,” I get it. But here’s the truth: all the positive affirmations in the world won’t stick if your subconscious is still running on outdated programming from that time in 4th grade when your teacher told you you weren’t good enough.
Shadow work is about uncovering those wounded parts of yourself that keep whispering, “Don’t try,” “Don’t shine,” or “Play small, it’s safer.”
Spoiler alert: You don’t have to live like that.
Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist. Just a fellow human who’s been through the trenches of personal growth and healing. If you need professional support, please reach out to a qualified professional.
What Is Shadow Work Anyway?
Your shadow self is that sneaky part of you that stores all your unhealed wounds, limiting beliefs, and the coping mechanisms you built as a kid just trying to survive. It’s the reason why:
- You’re afraid to speak up
- You sabotage relationships
- You can’t stop people-pleasing
- You freak out when life starts getting too good
And here’s the kicker: when left unexamined, your shadow self will absolutely block your ability to manifest the life you want.
The good news? You can heal this. One step at a time.
Step 1: Figure Out What Needs Healing
Start by noticing what triggers you. We’re not talking about the barista spelling your name wrong on your latte. We’re talking about the moments that cause an outsized emotional reaction, the ones that make you think, Why did THAT bother me so much?
Those are breadcrumbs leading straight to your unhealed wounds.
Then ask: How do I typically respond when I’m triggered?
👉 People-pleasing?
👉 Shutting down?
👉 Over-explaining?
👉 Blaming yourself?
👉 Picking a fight?
These patterns didn’t come out of nowhere. You likely created them as a child to protect yourself. The problem is they’re still running your adult life.
Personal Example: My People-Pleasing Phase
Growing up as the firstborn daughter, I often felt a quiet pressure to keep the peace. Whether it was real or just something I picked up along the way, I believed that if I could keep everyone happy, everything would stay calm. And calm felt safe.
By the time I reached adulthood, I was deep in the habit of saying yes when I meant no, apologizing for things that weren’t mine to carry, and trying to manage everyone else’s emotions. Classic firstborn people-pleaser energy.
It wasn’t until I recognized this pattern as a trauma response that I finally gave myself permission to rewrite the story, one where keeping the peace doesn’t come at the cost of my own.
Step 2: Let Go of the Familiar (aka: Stop Choosing Chaos)
Want to know why we keep dating the same type of emotionally unavailable person? Or why we stay stuck in toxic jobs?
Because it feels familiar. And to your shadow self, familiar = safe, even when it’s actually miserable.
Your ego will fight hard to keep you in that known chaos. It fears change because change = unknown. But healing means letting go of patterns that no longer serve you.
I once self-sabotaged a perfectly healthy relationship because stability felt so foreign, I literally didn’t know how to exist in it. Sound familiar? That’s shadow work territory.
Common Trauma Responses (See If You Recognize Any):
- Constant second-guessing yourself
- Avoiding conflict like it’s the plague
- Needing external validation
- Clinging to unhealthy relationships
- Feeling responsible for everyone else’s happiness
- Addictive tendencies
- Victim mentality
- Lack of boundaries
- Trying to fix or rescue others constantly
If any of these ring a bell, congrats, you’re human. And there’s nothing wrong with you. These are survival patterns, not flaws. The key is recognizing them so you can heal them.
Identifying and Healing Core Wounds
Here are four common wounds many of us carry (and how they might show up):
1️⃣ Abandonment Wound
Signs:
- Fear of being left
- Clingy or avoidant attachment styles
- Hating being alone
- Attracting emotionally unavailable partners
- Threatening to leave during arguments
If this is you, practice self-reassurance and learn to cultivate internal safety. You’re not the scared child anymore; you are safe now.
2️⃣ Neglect Wound
Signs:
- Feeling unworthy or “never good enough”
- Not asking for help
- Struggling to feel or express emotions
- Attracting partners who mirror emotional unavailability
- Over-functioning and hyper-independence
Healing starts with giving yourself the love, care, and validation you didn’t receive. It’s safe to feel. It’s safe to need.
3️⃣ Guilt Wound
Signs:
- Constantly apologizing
- Feeling bad when you set boundaries
- Attracting manipulative people
- Putting everyone else’s needs first
If you learned as a child that your needs were a burden, this is a tough one. Start by reminding yourself: Your needs are valid. You don’t owe anyone endless self-sacrifice.
4️⃣ Trust Wound
Signs:
- Difficulty trusting anyone
- Expecting betrayal
- Fear of getting close
- Attracting people who confirm your distrust
Rebuilding trust means first trusting yourself, your intuition, your boundaries, and your inner knowing. The more you heal, the less you’ll tolerate situations that erode trust.
Step 3: Spot the Patterns
Now look for repeating patterns in your life:
- Do you keep dating the same type of person?
- Do you always end up in toxic work environments?
- Are you stuck in a constant financial struggle?
Patterns are mirrors. They reflect what’s unhealed. When you bring awareness to the pattern, you gain the power to change it.
Example: My Financial Struggle
For years, I walked around with a scarcity mindset when it came to money. The moment teenage me signed up for a Kohl’s credit card (hello, 20% off my first purchase!), I spiraled into a cycle of debt that convinced me money was this stressful, evil thing that I’d never have enough of.
Not surprisingly, that belief became a self-fulfilling prophecy well into adulthood, and financial stress was my constant sidekick.
It wasn’t until I started unpacking those limiting beliefs and rewriting my money story that things shifted. These days, I intentionally practice an abundance mindset, and for once, my bank account no longer resembles the Sahara.
How to Start Shadow Work
👉 Notice your triggers
👉 Observe your responses
👉 Identify the limiting belief beneath it
👉 Connect it to the original wound
👉 Bring loving awareness and compassion to that part of you
👉 Practice new, healthier patterns over time
Pro tip: Don’t rush this process. It’s like weeding a garden, pull out the root, or the same stuff will keep popping up. Go slow. Be gentle with yourself.
If you want support, shadow work journal prompts are a great place to start. But take your time, healing is a journey, not a race.
Final Thoughts
Shadow work isn’t glamorous, but it’s powerful. The more you face and heal your inner wounds, the more aligned you become with your truest self.
And that’s when the magic happens, in your relationships, in your career, in your ability to manifest what you deeply desire.
Remember: You didn’t come here to live a life designed by your wounds. You came here to thrive.
Sending you so much love as you walk this path. You’re doing the brave work most people avoid. And that’s worth celebrating.
